Silence

Life is hectic, what i've always dream of, what i'd always hoped for never go as i planned..it's totally upside down..After graduating, i seemed to changed into another person..i changed to be somehow very emotional, i begin to think alot..It's all because, im scared..im scared because i'm not ready, im not readily prepared to go on and move into another level of my life as this career is not what i really wanted..i'm afraid i can't do ot..but i havce to do it as i dont wish to disappoint my mum and also my dad..he worked too hard and spent what he'd earned on me alot and my sister..Everytime, when i think about it, my heart hurts a lot, he's aging, he's had poor eyesight..but he still had to work very hard to pay off his debts and gave us allowance..Every of my friends thought that my background is perfect, my family is rich just because i stayed in brunei..but its not..if im really rich, why i wanted to earn my own pocket money not  the allowance my parents sent me? It's all because i want to help my dad to save more..I really want to earn more money and help to pay off all my dad's debts he'd owed just to raise this family..so that he could retire and go back to malaysia..i want them to rest..but i dont know what and how to continue my path to success..I'm afraid, very scared to step one more step...i'm shivering inside..i need someone to pull my hands out and accompany me..I'm a loner, for so many years, i stay alone, i dislike crowd, i loved to move around, but there's times that i need someone whether a girlfriend or a guy friend beside me, strengthen me..i never thought much..but after all now, i stood still, i don't know what to do..im lost..i barely could see my road ahead me..its blur and hazy..Honestly, i don't really have friends, not no friends, i do have, but not the friends who cheer me up..i'm not open enough..maybe i still perfer to stay alone..where's the light of my life? why am i here? why, why and why?i'm creative? a food designer? how can i do that.,.confidence is not that demanded? But without confidence how can i do it?when i was young back then i really hoped to get through everything faster, but came to it, i regretted....life isn't that simple..there's lots of  challenges, there's a lot of competitves, there's lots of rounds, is not as what we'd thought when we're a little..life isn't a game but a reality performance. We can't re-play our life, we can't pause, we can't stop..although how hard it is to go, we had to still hold our breathe and go through every level we're going..life goes on no matter what..if we don't, in game, we lost, in reality its the-end....