It has been no any better after all this while. I thought it could be better, but never at all. Maybe i really couldn't just let the past at the back. Maybe these past must be carried with me all the way. A scar never fades away no matter what so is hurt. Maybe i had did lots of awful things so now i have to bear with all these pains and even suffer..
It's not easy for me to start over as i don't know what i can do. I do smile, i do joke, i do fool around, but i can't be as happy as they said..a happy go lucky girl..I'm proud that people gave me this name, which made me felt a successful actress..Happy? i don't think i can have this..
My attitude? i tried to change, i t ried very hard, but i can't change all..i don't even know what i want...i just know that i don't wanna depend on anyone even my own sisters..i just want to be left alone..i don't need their pitiness, i don't need any of them. i just don't want to owe them a lot...it's just enough..
To me, being alone wandering suits me more, away from families..start my own solo life..since my relationship never works, i don't wanna waste time here..i did try to die, but the god is fooling me, he wants me to suffer more..and so i'm still here..i'm trying ever best to leave this family because without me, they will be better..their care to me is already enough..i'm now 22, and it's time for me to leave them giving them a peaceful life. Without me, peace will be shining them..i'm live an unlucky star which brings bad lucks.
That's why i felt so bad and guilty..i made arguements, i made everything out, just wanting them to leave me..i just want them to disown me...a psychiatrist can never help me..my life is just so miserable...how i hope the headlights of the newspaper is not somebody else but me..then every one will wish me RIP..how i really hoped that...i never wished for a wonderful life anymore..i never wished for a long life..i just wished to have a normal life where i can do whatever i want and stay alone away from families giving them troubles..
I never wanted to be part of this place...i never wanted to..if there's an undo button for me to change everything giving up what i have now, i'll press it..
Thunders, Lightnings, is how i felt inside me when i'm not in the mood, how i wished i can be the weather...when i wanna cry, i cry..when i wanna scream, i scream, when i wanna shine, i shine..how good would that be..human? not what i wanted at all....can there be a life exchange?
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