Useless..

I felt useless after realizing among them i have nothing..i can't afford to buy things that is somehow a little expensive..i can't even afford a credit card. i'm just so useless..After all, i realized i'm not important being here as one of them..it made me felt bad everytime when i want something that i dare not buy as my income is not much..i'm just like a piece of shit. Because of this i don't think i can stand and live with them..i'm really broke..my account has not much balance left..what can i do..?? I'm willing to let go of them and go elsewhere to work where i have more incomes and epfs and so on...i want to be dependant and no worries on my own financials..but what can i do? i'm really depressed when i think about my financials now..i even realized i changed to be a very silent girl among the family. i speak less, smile less...

I'd planned travelling and celebrating chinese new year this year with my family now for the last...after all i'll leave them. Away from them to prevent myself from looking much down on myself and find a job that could really support me and settle my financial probs..i know it's unfair and not a good thing to do.. but to be more mature and independant i have to..i don't want to be under them anymore so its time for me to leave and start a new on my own. I know i don't have any chance in any relationship with anyone i'd like to be with..and so i wont force it to happen instead just imagine and dream on to make myself feel better.

Maybe being by myself , knocked myself on the ceilings would wake me up and teach me lessons..although it costs a little much i still have to bring myself up to this tough situation..i need to work on something which could help me settle up my bothersm financials for now and future..

I want to afford a card for myself,like how my sisters do and afford to buy things for myself and for them if i meet them again..i never ever decide my path since young. But for now, i would really like to stand up for it. I know to them, i'm still a little kid with no mature thinkings although im 22..but to me, i know myself better..i won't say much about myself to them as i know i will be like who i am infront of the psychiatrist that day,,,

Away from them especially my 2 sisters, i think its better for the all of us. Since i'm always creating probs to them. They always intends to think that i'm immature, donsent know how to make friends properly and always putting myself on risks..i know they just want to protect me..but i just felt tired on it..i'm myself i know what should and shouldnt do..friends, i also know who is good and bad..who used me who don't..but this is life..after all they are still my friends..nothing changes..a friend is always better than being enemies..

i used to think they are bitches..but come to think im the bitch and even a loser( being nothing in everythimg)..maybe its just a good idea leaving them behind and move on to where i want to do and be..its a good idea bringing myself up to a risk so that i could learn and grow up more and see how this world really looks like. I also do know i will hurt them..but to make myself grow up mentally i just can think of this way..my life, i don't care much..i'm ready to give in my life..i just don't want to regret..i just want to be dependant on my own....i just want to be a person who could afford to do what i can and want for myself.....i know my parents gave me this precious life..i am trying my best to uphold this life till the end, but if i can't i have no choice..i can't tell either any of them how i think in myself as i know what and how they will react.. i even will do take in the risk of being disown by them soon if i really did this.

I have no choice but i need to force myself to....thus, i will try my very best to enjoy this last family trip...

disappointments and Confusions

It has been no any better after all this while. I thought it could be better, but never at all. Maybe i really couldn't just let the past at the back. Maybe these past must be carried with me all the way. A scar never fades away no matter what so is hurt. Maybe i had did lots of awful things so now i have to bear with all these pains and even suffer..

It's not easy for me to start over as i don't know what i can do. I do smile, i do joke, i do fool around, but i can't be as happy as they said..a happy go lucky girl..I'm proud that people gave me this name, which made me felt a successful actress..Happy? i don't think i can have this..

My attitude? i tried to change, i t ried very hard, but i can't change all..i don't even know what i want...i just know that i don't wanna depend on anyone even my own sisters..i just want to be left alone..i don't need their pitiness, i don't need any of them. i just don't want to owe them a lot...it's just enough..

To me, being alone wandering suits me more, away from families..start my own solo life..since my relationship never works, i don't wanna waste time here..i did try to die, but the god is fooling me, he wants me to suffer more..and so i'm still here..i'm trying ever best to leave this family because without me, they will be better..their care to me is already enough..i'm now 22, and it's time for me to leave them giving them a peaceful life. Without me, peace will be shining them..i'm live an unlucky star which brings bad lucks.

That's why i felt so bad and guilty..i made arguements, i made everything out, just wanting them to leave me..i just want them to disown me...a psychiatrist can never help me..my life is just so miserable...how i hope the headlights of the newspaper is not somebody else but me..then every one will wish me RIP..how i really hoped that...i never wished for a wonderful life anymore..i never wished for a long life..i just wished to have a normal life where i can do whatever i want and stay alone away from families giving them troubles..

I never wanted to be part of  this place...i never wanted to..if there's an undo button for me to change everything giving up what i have now, i'll press it..

Thunders, Lightnings, is how i felt inside me when i'm not in the mood, how i wished i can be the weather...when i wanna cry, i cry..when i wanna scream, i scream, when i wanna shine, i shine..how good would that be..human? not what i wanted at all....can there be a life exchange?

Heading up and looking forward

Happy Chinese New Year and 2012 is here! Being rumored that 2012 is end of the year? is that really true? Whether it is or not, I'll live my life up till the end. In this brand new 2012 i would really want to re transform myself by staying alone without any fear. Perhaps, being alone in 2012 is not a bad thing at all. Freedoms ( wishing to go anywhere i want by going out away from close friends and my beloved families and work elsewhere..) could even migrate to that "elsewhere" if i finally could let go everything. I had a friend who told me to re-plan my plans. Should i? Re-planning everything is actually a hard thing to do..it's just like re-doing a proposal. But, i would give up, totally give up my plans for someone whom is worth for me to stay. Lolz, but i don't think this will happen especially on me. So, re plan...i don't think i will..

sigh...re- plan will just make me fell totally lost and blank just like the above desert...and so it's hard for me to change my mind. Change, to human its easy to say but it's hard to fulfill it. It's not just by saying it can do it.....

Drawing up

Time flies fast thus life is short. After knewing one friend of mine had left to a far away land, my heart punctured badly. Was once a friend is always a friend. There's no such thing as goodbye to one another except for leaving and gone for good but still, we would still be friends. Although gone to a far away land, you will always be in my mind and still be a part of us around, you will still be remembered among us. (p/s: Baljeet, we hoped you could rest in peace, may god lead you to the light where you could really rest in peace.Although god took you early away from the earth, your moments with us before will never be erased. Although you never will return, i wished you could guide your parents and your family from where you are now.May you protect them and bless them. i would love to thank jesus for allowing us to meet and be friends back then. a nice and warming friend you were...once again, rest in peace.)

One of my friend told me today that life is full of hope but to me, life is full of complications and full of risks as the world now is no longer it was before. Everything seemed to be in danger, our every single day for a normal rank human would always be feared for lacking cash in their wallet, banks because of the financial problems in this society. Government tends to think of themselves more, increasing everything but never tends to think of their people who are suffering. We worked so hard but at the end, not much income in return. It's still not enough to make a living. The standard of living in here really is high. No wonder everywhere is in danger. Murders, Robberies, Poverties are all happening around. What's most feared were the victims. Life is precious thus  easily to be taken away just like that so is accidents on roads like baljeet did in canada. Eveysingle little moments going on in our life is always dangerous. You never know when it's your turn.

Rain poured almost everyday this month. As i feel the droplets hitting on my palm made me smile. Hearing the rain pour, made my mind clear, Feeling the wind, refreshed me.Heard the thunder, alerted me. After the rain stopped, made me felt peace when seeing the how clear the view infront me was than before. After all, i re call him again. feeling full of regrets in my choice i made. i hated myself more and more. I should have grabbed him tight and never had let him go. I should have run back to him, i should have apologize to him, i shouldnt have give up so easily. I shouldn't run away and gave him to somebody else.. I couldn't let go, i couldn't resist. Till now, i can honestly say, i'm not fully letting fo it yet although i knew he and i could never be how we used to be anymore but i'll try my best to let this go one day and accept someone else who loves me. And for this time, i'll never give up easily anymmore. Because giving up will made me regret, giving up will make me lose myself. I'm drawing up each day of mine to be a brand new day, a brand new me and a brand new start..as life is short, and i worried i have no enough time to spend. No one knows what will happen tomorrow and the day after tomorrow to me..

Almost

Can you tell me
How can one miss what she's never had
How could I reminisce when there is no past
How could I have memories of being happy with you boy
Could someone tell me how can this be
How could my mind pull up incidents
Recall dates and times that never happened
How could we celebrate a love that's to late
And how could I really mean the words I'm bout to say


I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take the time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you


I cannot believe I let you go
Or what I should say I should've grabbed you up and never let you go
I should've went out with you
I should've made you my boo boy
Yes that's one time I should've broke the rules
I should've went on a date
Should've found a way to escape
Should've turned a almost into
If it happened now its to late
How could I celebrate a love that wasn't real
And if it didn't happen why does my heart feel


I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take the time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you


This song suits me a lot..it reviewed my love story i used to have and i would love dedicate this song to my ex whom i still loved if there's a chance although i knew nothing will happen in between us again..

Disappointment

It has really been a while posting up here.Life in here really upset me much simply, everything.A lot beside and even around me changed, got good and got bad.Losing the first love eventually really spoilled my entire feelings for the next, next and next and so on. Unfortunately..then I realized I myself did change as well. I couldn't believe this is actually me and now after realizing, I knew why and what made me changed. I don't wanna kept on being the one i used to be. It's they who forced me to be the one I am now. This is life..the thought of always ending my own life is no longer in my mind now but change. My change is sudden even I don't get use to myself yet..it's just so unbelievable that I really did what I never expected myself to really actually did it but I did and was done.

Trust, trusting a guy is no longer in my list.anymore. All guys to me are jerks. They are the one who made me feel disgusted. Guys are just so liars..good in acting. But I just hate it..there's this sentence I once went through "when there's an apple spoiled, so are the rest" I'm trying to re trust them buti realized they are just the same kind. Wanting me to be serious in one relationship is just o far away for me to get rid of these facts!

Working in JW MARRIOTT, isn't enjoying anyhow but not much to complained, society, real world are like that and I have to face it since I knew other working areas has these kind of so called politics internally.

I don't wanna feel paranoid in every single little things but it's hard..I'm frustrated in everything around me which is faking..I'm sick of it and I just don't wanna look at it at all..leaving this workingplace is a good choice of mine, secondly, have the plans to leave this particular country is also a very righty one for me as well so the hatred in here won't be too much.though..

After knowing the facts of everything around, there's no one to be trusted excluding myself..I only can trust my instincts..I lost trust in me, I lost the faith in me and these could made me lose myself..and so I can't I have to stand right back up..maybe Malaysia isn't a right place for me...so, it's time for me to leave very soon..the piece of me now is just like missing parts of the puzzle..the missing parts in me...
TRUST
FAITH
CONFIDENT
Andthats it to every relationship I had and so will be the recently one..my sign for leaving every each of this will be silent...and silence

Confusion....

Change hurts. It makes people insecure, confused, and angry. People want things to be the same as they've always been, because that makes life easier. But, if you're a leader, you can't let your people hang on to the past.Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious. But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious...What should i do, how to solve my confusions? I'd always hoped ans wished to stand up on this real world. But now, when this really happened, i'm starting to get nervous, scared and nervous. Friends says" Mable, why u so quiet?" "You'd change.." I thought and realized it after all. Due to these confusions i had since training days, i changed into a quiet, lonesome girl. I even fear to speak up, honestly speak up to my best friend about how and what i'm feeling. I'd waited for 3 years just to meet her again unfortunately, once i saw her, i just can't open up my heart and share with the sourness i had. What's life? Life has infinite definitions to different people. To me, i find that my life was wonderful..my mom gave birth to me, my dad raised me, my sisters cared me, my grandma loved me, my uncles/aunts worried me but i found that i'm still lonely as i'd placed myself under a complicated state, confusions arise every time i'm trying to make once decision..i may even think, why should i stand on this state? why and how hard i tried to make myself like somebody else..happy, enjoying with friends around..why whenever i tried that, i may pushed myself out from the crowd and stay aside to a quiet corner.  May think jumping off the building like the suiciders did..can it really settle these stressing and confusing life i had?  I always told my friends beside me to stay happy, don't think too much, don't look back, be strong..but what am i..i'm lost..i found myself a great loser around my friends and family..starting my future, having no confidence is really a loser..im disappointed..so disappointed on myself..i'd let myself down..why am i so paranoid? why these bothered me so much...why...?